The Burqa Diaries

My name is Hani, I was born in 1993 and have been married for two years. My husband is 14 years older than me and I started wearing the veil at his request after we got married. Wearing the the veil was hard and still is but since I love him very much I respect his wishes.

My husband is a very good man and he is altogether very well-balanced. The only times that he loses his temper is when questions of hejab and morality are involved. In this respect he is uncompromising even though otherwise he has no flaws.

If I leave home without his permission and without the veil, he punishes me and he punishes me hard. He had warned me before so it is not unexpected. I am glad there is somebody in this world who prevents me from going astray and it is only logical that I would be better off in the next world. I might get annoyed sometimes but I know that it is for my own good, even if initially I had to wear the hejab by force, which is not the case now. Now I want it myself.

I was a senior in high school when I got married. It was a very difficult time but it ended well. I was betrothed at 16, which at the time seemed too early to me, because I had not become independent in any area and was clueless about what I wanted in life. My sister was born in 1987, was married at 15 and at 17 had her first baby. She says early marriage is not a good thing and she would have liked to have married later.

My husband was an acquaintance of my father and the families had known each other for years. So when he asked for my hand my father granted it very quickly because he believes that girls must marry early. At first it was difficult for me to accept but as I got to know my husband better I became more willing. I have no regrets at all and I love my husband. I am always covered in places where a strange man is present or might be.

My family and my husband’s family are both very religious and that is why they consider hejab very important. Since I started to walk I have worn a chador but my husband’s family are more religious and believe that the face must be covered too. My mother-in-law of course is not like that and like my mother only wears a chador.

Learning the Duck Trick

In the beginning it was very difficult for me to wear the face veil because I could not breath or see easily, but now I am used to it and like wearing it. Now, even I just want to look out from the window, I cannot do it without a veil. When you are wearing a face veil nobody can see your eyes but you can see enough of the outside. They call it the "duck trick.” In a city like Tehran breathing with a veil, especially in the beginning, is very difficult but you get used to it. In the summers I don’t usually go out that much. I stay in the car or somewhere air-conditioned, and I don’t walk to many places.

In the beginning I pulled up my veil unconsciously in front of everybody or I forgot to have it on when I want out on the balcony or approached a window. Sometimes I unveiled my eyes and was not aware that I had makeup on. Often I wear makeup under the face veil but I am sure that nobody can see my face.

To be honest I never imagined that I would get used to it but now I see if I have to wear hejab, this is the most perfect form. But I completely disagree with forced hejab. To my mind chastity and hejab are not one and the same. Somebody might not wear hejab but can be chaste naturally. For men we have the rule of “avert the eye,” which my husband follows.

My husband’s nieces are eight and ten years old, but they wear the veil with their own consent. They go to school this way which is of course very difficult. The dominant environment does not approve but the school has no problems with it and the nieces have their own friends. Sometimes other people make fun of them but it is interesting that their friends and themselves defend what they are wearing.

People think that maybe a monster is hiding behind the veil but I would like like to say here is that we are no different from you. At home we make ourselves up, wear short skirts, curl or hair straighten our hair; we go to the hair salon, read books and listen to music. Music caresses the soul and I believe that it gets you closer to God, especially if it is done with knowledge and guidance.

Now I Can Choose the Color

I like to wear a complete hejab but I don’t want to be separated from life’s legitimate joys. The only difference between us is the type of hejab that we are wearing. We are regular people and besides, I am very pretty under the veil.

Last year my husband gave me permission to wear choose any color of veil and chador, provided it’s not a loud color. Beautiful, no? Of course he did not permit me to reveal too much of my eyes because he says it attracts too much attention. A colored veil is a little bit expensive but it is much better than black, especially in the summertime. But for outside visits during the past New Year holiday he forbid me to wear any color except black.

My husband has no problem with me working outside the home provided I don’t have to show my face. He totally approves of my working from home and encourages me to do so. When I went to the college for my interview I had to remove my veil. It led to a big quarrel with my husband and he told me never to do it again. Now if I were to remove my veil to take my exams he would not let me to college anymore.

I cannot really object to my husband’s behavior because he has a lot of good in him. During our engagement I only wore a chador, and sometimes a lock of hair showed and occasionally I might not have worn it at all. He started by insisting that I wear the chador correctly, and then gradually became more strict until I was wearing the full face veil. At first it was the Lebanese veil, with the eyes showing, but it ended up the full veil.

Summertime always reminds me of my childhood and the summer holidays, of ice creams, of parks and games, of riding a bicycle. But now in this weather I cannot step outside the house, and I imagine only people who wear a veil can understand how I feel. You need to carry a handheld fan under it.

We Like to Play in the Snow Too

Last winter I managed to get my husband to go out and play with me in the snow. After much arguing we went to a secluded place near our home and threw snowballs at each other, but people stared at us so much that I myself suggested we go back home. He grumbled a lot and asked me things like when I wanted to grow up, and exclaimed that when you have a young wife you are bound to get into such troubles. But altogether I had a very good time.

I want to tell people please do not stare so much at women who are wearing a veil. They have emotions too and they like to play in the snow.

In mixed parties and dinners, people who are sitting near me usually separate the food for me but in other places it is quite simple to hold the plate with one hand. In the beginning it was rather difficult but now it is easy and I can eat at restaurants.

I work out at the gym and have found many friends there, but when I wanted to leave the gym everybody was shocked and couldn’t believe that I could change shape like that. They told me that if they had seen me like that they would not have dared to become friends with me. Later when they saw my husband they could not believe what they saw. They asked how the wife of such a man could dress as I do. My husband takes very good care of himself and he is in shape in every way. He is just a little strict. They all said that I should watch him because he is so good looking that he is certain to have adventures when I am not around. I am sure that my husband is not like that, he is a very good man and I have faith in him. Besides, I like him to go around looking good, and I do know about everything he does.

In our alley we have a neighbor, a woman about 45, who curses me whenever she sees me, especially when I am alone. She seems to believe that I am responsible for all the society’s ills. I would like to quote what she said the last time that I saw her: “Go to hell. We all suffer because of you people. You have suffocated us. Leave this country and get lost somewhere else. You savages have ruined this country.”

I have no idea how I am responsible for all these misfortunes. She made me cry once but now it no longer matters what she says. Let her say it if it makes her feel better.

This story is based on Hanieh Mohammadi’s Persian Weblog “Stories of Me and My Veil.” http://pooshi.persianblog.ir